01 Ireland
B: “The sweetest thrill is knowing you’re wanted” is right enough.
A: Thought it was Neighbours there at the start. “That old familiar feeling” indeed – it sure sounds like a TV show theme tune. The music reflects the sensations involved effectively e.g. the chorus starting off light and almost lip-chewingly apprehensive before the adrenalin kicks in and the blissful reality takes over. Sounds huge.
V: Not sure that counts as choreography, but whatever it is, it’s a bit rubbish. The oomph of the studio version goes all plinkety-plonky and cheesy smiles live, which is a shame.
02 Monaco
B: Monaco loved these debutante girly numbers, didn’t they?
A: Both elements of this song sound like others: the choruses reminiscent of Those Were the Days and the verses more House of the Rising Sun or something. They work quite well together though, reflecting the changes in the character and her situation (into something perhaps she’s not – hence the question in the lyrics).
V: Michèle Torr somehow looks 11 years younger here than she did 11 years ago; it must be all the vaseline on the lens. Doesn’t disguise any of the power in her voice. Her dress reminds me of the net curtains my grandmother used to have in her olive-green bathroom.
03 The Netherlands
B: I’m impressed by the sheer length of mensenlevensmallemolen. A lot of what this has to say seems depressing, although I assume it’s meant to have the opposite effect.
A: It’s Karen Carpenter with something lodged in her throat! I was all prepared not to like a song called The Merry-Go-Round but it’s really rather sweet, despite the lyrics.
V: I’m not sure what’s more alarming about that dress: the “here’s one I made earlier” look of it or the incessant garish pinkness of it. Heddy’s fine until the key change, when something about her voice makes it sound as though she’s slightly off-key, even though she’s not.
04 Austria
B: It appears Austria has a thing for satire in Eurovision when it can. I’m assuming the chorus is as stupid as it is to undermine the point. Still, it’s an odd statement to make on the ESC stage: it is a contest designed to find the most middle-of-the-road, crowd-pleasing number, after all.
A: Quite a brave choice, I suppose.
V: I applaud them for jumping into the intentionally daft routine, but the vocals aren’t really there. Mind you, this could just be adding to the point.
05 Norway
B: This only has about 10 lines when you add them up, not one of them inspired.
A: Lowest common denominator in almost every respect, although you’re more likely to be critical of it coming straight after Austria. At least there’s barely more than two minutes of it.
V: 1977 was a very pink year, wasn’t it. There’s nothing here that explains to me why Anita Skorgan was so popular on the Norwegian schlager scene, first time or not. She certainly doesn’t have a voice that makes me think “yes, I’d like to have her represent my country time and again over the coming however many years”.
06 Germany
B: Even the name ‘Silver Convention’ screams disco cheese. This actually reads like it could have been written in the early 2000s, swapping out ‘telegram’ for something more of its time. “Help me, miss, gotta send an MMS”?
A: Doesn’t do a lot you wouldn’t expect a song like this to, but what it does do it does fairly successfully if you ask me.
V: Ditto the performance. Sounds good, and looks good. Well, looks silly, but in this context it’s the same thing.
07 Luxembourg
B: What is Ms B. on about here? Who is this brother of hers she’s begging to sleep with? A big brother figure I assume (and hope). No blatant incest, Luxembourg, thank you.
A: Hot on the heels of Germany comes this much funkier number. It’s amazingly sexual stuff for Eurovision, regardless of how ’70s disco it is. “J’enrage d’être sage” indeed. Fabulous!
V: Long before Marija Šerifović and her Beauty Queens were getting into it, Luxembourg gives us true lesbian chic with these brilliant backing vocalists. You can see why the juries didn’t go for this, given how vapid it seems and the fact she only sings about a third of the song, but the ending’s great, and there are some wonderful, simple directorial touches to the camerawork.
08 Portugal
B: The Portuguese must surely lead in the number of entries that mention the country they’re from. As opening lines go, “Portugal foi a razão / Por que um dia morreu meu irmão” bring us straight back down to earth after Frère Jacques and his shenanigans.
A: Bucking the trend, as they’ve always done. This sounds a bit cheap and cheerful for a song striving for such meaning. Doesn’t do a thing for me, sadly. (It’s better than Norway though.)
V: Paulo de Carvalho looks like he’s still got the fork in his hand from the backstage buffet. The vocals are great, and you get a sense of their being something to the song, but the line-up feels unconvincing and cobbled together.
09 United Kingdom
B: Satire, yet again. Love it.
A: Goodie goodie yum yum! Great piano, and an excellent arrangement generally. It’s not that different to Portugal (or Austria) in going for a musical line that seems at odds with the point of it all, but the difference is that Portugal seemed to be doing so just for the sake of making it more accessible.
V: Lynsey de Paul is clearly the weak link here, despite her fab hair and shoes. She adds a shrillness to the performance that takes away from it for me, and the character that’s layered on top of the music doesn’t really work; it just seems gimmicky, when the music itself would have sufficed.
10 Greece
B: I suppose I like the message of living with music as an integral part of your life, but...
A: ...the delivery is just such a no-brainer. The kind of Eurovision song I have very little time for.
V: Not even the girls’ outfits are flattering, and it’s as though none of them have ever worked with microphones before. Next.
11 Iis-raa-eel
B: At least it’s not an anthem of the sort they normally dish up.
A: Fairly predictable chords in places but that makes it approachable and easy to like.
V: Lovely vocals from Ilanit. Despite the pastel overload elsewhere, I’m not sure I would have chosen black as the predominant colour for this entry. It leaves a rather strange impression of the subject matter. And what’s with the vowel-laden transliteration of the Hebrew title?
12 Switzerland
B: I love the mind-boggling throwaway line “Und manchmal nahm er sie aus seinem Schrank” at the beginning that makes you wonder what the hell they’re on about.
A: ABBA had an influence on someone then, although it’s one of those songs that seems so typically... well, whatever it is that only Switzerland or Austria could produce at Eurovision. Oddly, it also sounds ahead of its time to an extent: more kind of ’80s.
V: Fantastic opening, and there are some flourishes to the music as well that come out in the live performance, but the German grates in the verses. And they all look like twats.
13 Sweden
B: Given it was only 10 years or so since the Fab Four were at the peak of their popularity, I’m assuming the line “Farfars far, kan ge svar vem de var” is designed to lament the fickle affections of music-lovers. If so, it was rather short-sighted.
A: If you’re going to do a tribute to the Beatles, wouldn’t it make more sense to emulate their style? The composition is quite lush in places, but I can see why it brought the Swedes their worst-ever result to that point.
V: The black outfits instantly drain any remaining colour out of this performance, which just feels slow and uninvolving when it should feel a lot bigger and brighter. The lead vocalist looks and sounds like his heart’s not really in it.
14 Spain
B: They didn’t waste much ink penning these lyrics.
A: Not exactly a classic year, is it. This is completely inconsequential, and the ‘la la la’ doesn’t even fit the point of the song. I’m glad they included the banjo though, since they mentioned one; it was lucky (for us) that the girl at the door wasn’t playing the spoons or something.
V: If it wasn’t pink in 1977, it was black shot through with silver. Micky looks like a dancing geography teacher.
15 Italy
B: I love what this is saying, and the “cosa c’entri tu” attitude.
A: I don’t like Ms Martina’s voice, but the song really gets you involved in it by the end. Thumbs up.
V: This gets to about three-quarters of the way to where it should be going for a song of its nature. Someone should have reminded Mia that of all the things she was free to do, two of them were to open her eyes and look like she was enjoying herself.
16 Finland
B: If I dissed Spain and Greece, this ought to lose points for its ‘ma na na na’ as well, but the lyrics are otherwise too good. I think you need to have some appreciation of Finland and the Finns to really, er, appreciate them.
A: Brilliant bridge and fabulous ending. Undoubtedly one of their best efforts.
V: At last some drama! After 15 other songs, this is honestly the first one which really feels like it’s alive to me. The squealy bit is not an unqualified success, but you’ve got to love the edge it adds to the song.
17 Belgium
B: Yay for the cheeky suggestiveness of “Think you’ve got some extra needs?”!
A: Great chorus. Again, it sounds very authentic. (I don’t know why I feel they shouldn’t.) The verses – and indeed the bits of it which aren’t the chorus – are more laboured and not as interesting, and the structure is quite odd. Excellent layered arrangement though.
V: Those trousers don’t even look flattering on the Maessens, so I’ve no idea why Luc Smet is wearing them. Otherwise, it’s hard to criticise this and praise Germany at the same time. So I won’t.
18 France
B, A + V: You know this is going to win, and deservedly so, within seconds of Marie Myriam opening her mouth. What else is there to say?
And so to the points...
1 point goes to Israel
2 points go to Monaco
3 points go to the United Kingdom
4 points go to Ireland
5 points go to Germany
6 points go to Belgium
7 points go to Italy
8 points go to Luxembourg
10 points go to Finland
and finally...
12 points go to...
France!
The wooden spoon is awarded to Spain.
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