1984

One of the best orchestrated contests ever.

01 Sweden
B: I love the rhyme and rhythm of “Att när jag vaknade vakna’ jag med glädje”.
A: While you might chuckle at and tend to agree with Terry Wogan’s views on this song’s lyrics, there’s no denying how catchy it is. There are some nifty touches to the music as well that keep it interesting in the verses when it threatens to plod.
V: Who wore golden boots, like, ever? Mormons perhaps. This sounds great, vocally and musically. The three lads, and in particular Per, sound very not-Swedish. (I doubt it was only their accents that were corrupted by their time in the US of A.) I love the way the camera never manages to catch a moment of their choreography, almost as though they felt it would give them an unfair advantage. And perhaps they were right.

02 Luxembourg
B: French sounds so fake and empty in songs like this, even given potentially philosophical lines like “On a le mer, mais pas la plage”.
A: Is this a sped-up seven-inch or was Sophie about 10 years old? There are shades of early ’80s ABBAesque disco in the opening bars, but the production sounds much too cheap overall to be reminiscent of anything greater. The chorus isn’t bad, having said that.
V: The way Sophie places all her weight on her right hip makes her left trouser leg look about 10 cm shorter. This excites me more than her performance does, which is very Coco Dance. They’d just about get away with her not being able to sing to save her life if there was anything knowing about it.

03 France
B: Luxembourg and France form the first of two back-to-back couples this year with similar themes.
A: This is nice enough, if a little bland. The second verse drags after the first chorus, and the title line sounds strangely clumsy set to music. I like the overall sentiment behind it though.
V: Fabulous vocals from Ms Thoumazeau, and the orchestra works wonders with the arrangement.

04 Spain
B: As with many good pop songs, there’s a distinct sadness at the heart of this: the titular lady is clearly pathetic, but there’s sympathy for her, too.
A: Oooh, now this is very ABBA-does-Spanish, albeit, again, without quite scaling the same heights. Worthy attempt though.
V: I’m amazed at how seamlessly this comes across, in terms of sounding exactly like the studio version whichever way you look at it. Or indeed listen to it. Amaya looks like she’s stepped straight off the set of some early ’80s American sitcom, playing a hard-working mother of at least several spunky children and the devoted wife of someone like Alan Thicke.

05 Norway
B: Duff anthem, but the line “Ingen forstar, alle vet, ingen ser” is good.
A: I’m struggling for points of reference as usual, but it’s ABBA yet again, predominantly in the verses; the chorus is spectacularly naff. The song as a whole makes you recall that it was only in the ’90s that Eurovision failed to reflect what contemporary music sounded like.
V: Bananarama touches to the styling and choreography, if not to the song itself. This is a bit sparse when it’s just the two girls carrying it, but the backing vocalists save them in the chorus. The whole thing sounds a lot better than I thought it would, but does go on.

06 United Kingdom
B: The line “You gave me sugar lovin’ and it stuck like glue” receives a dashed underline and double exclamation marks for reasons that do not need any spelling out.
A: As a retro number alone I think this is pretty solid. Not too exciting, but very well produced.
V: Britain hadn’t been a fashion superpower since the Swinging Sixties, but come on, how low could Belle & the Devotions go? Especially since their song is such a throwback to the era. It’s not exactly white soul, but I’m impressed. I’m glad the two pretend vocalists finally got to turn around and face the front.

07 Cyprus
B: “Mu dhiohnis to himona ke ti monaksia” is a lovely sentiment.
A: Well, this goes nowhere (especially without Greece to give it 12 points). Such ‘sweet purpose’ to so little effect.
V: I’m sure Paul Darrow would approve of the hairstyle and outfit Andy Paul is sporting. Coming after a fairly strong run of entries this sounds like it’s not really trying, and the backing vocalists are largely ineffectual in all but the bridge.

08 Belgium
B: As you might expect from French, there are some great – if somewhat bewildering – lines in this, including “Sois poete sans bourreaux”.
A: You’ve got to wonder what made them think this had a chance of winning. It does have some lovely strings, which to this point have been notable for their absence, but still.
V: I thought they’d forgotten to turn the lights on there for a second. Despite what I said above, this is another one of those songs you can tell almost instantly will have at least a sizeable number of points thrown at it. There’s something almost Israeli about the performance, without it being at all cheesy.

09 Ireland
B: This was composed by Johnny Logan?! I can see him penning the lyrics: I love the line “Fly to me on the wings of all you meant to me”.
A: The music sounds like the theme tune to a kids’ game show for much of it. Yet again there’s the sense that everyone’s trying to do ABBA, but here it doesn’t hang together all that well. I would have expected (and probably preferred) this to be a straightforward ballad.
V: Nice touch to colour-coordinate with the Luxembourg flag, although hair that shade ought to have been a crime against humanity. This is very demanding vocally, and Ms Martin pulls it off with aplomb.

10 Denmark
B: “Det store sus… / Der pluds’lig dukker ud af det blå / Det’ lige det, jeg går og venter på” – aren’t we all, honey!
A: This is next year’s winner, isn’t it? Hot Eyes ought to have sued. Given how relatively strong the chorus is, it’s odd that they linger on the verses as long as they do. The almost-reggae bridge I could do without. And what was with all the echo in the ’80s?
V: This is fine vocally, but as a performance it comes across as a bit scatterbrained and shambling. The grand piano seems to be there just to give Søren Bundgaard something to do.

11 The Netherlands
B: It might have said a lot that amongst these lyrics I failed to find a single line that impressed me for its originality or insight...
A: ...but in the context of the music and Maribelle’s delivery, it just works. The arrangement is exquisite. I love the French horn or whatever it is that comes in at about the halfway mark. It mightn’t have anything new to say, but it’s all in the way it says it.
V: This performance isn’t pitched perfectly – Maribelle looks a bit daft, and despite being camera-savvy doesn’t really connect – but vocally it’s a triumph, and the arrangement is brilliant, with little nuances emerging here and there that you wouldn’t expect to pick up on in a live version, like the harp. And it’s still just lovely.

12 Yugoslavia
B: I love it when lyrics throw up lines that sound as right as “Šaptala si moje ime”.
A: Synthesisers in a Balkan entry? Yay! Sadly, Vlado sounds like he’s undergone a Doctor Who-style cybernetic upgrade and ruins it for me. But if I ignore him and concentrate on Izolda’s lovely vocals, they are the icing on a more than palatable – if fairly plain – cake.
V: Vlado seems entirely indifferent to the rather obvious overtures of the glamorous Izolda. This sounds a million times better than I thought it would, too: the orchestra this year must be one of the most consistent (not to say best) in the contest’s history.

13 Austria
B: I like the lines “Rette sich wer kann, ich muss einfach raus / Ich fang’ von vorne an, ich halt’ das nicht mehr aus” and the proffered translation: “Devil take the hindmost”!
A: I like the general idea here as well, but on the whole it makes too little of itself to be truly enjoyable. It’s as though the music is left to its own devices once the vocals are brought in, with no attempt to make any distinction between verses and chorus.
V: The mistake that is Anita’s frock is symbolic of this entry as a whole. I was starting to wonder whether anyone would give Sophie Carle a run for her money.

14 Germany
B: Second pairing, as per Luxembourg/France. This is quite a good borderline ballad/anthem for women (and certain other subsets of the audience). “Noch sind in meiner Seele Splitter” is a great line.
A: This doesn’t really have enough oomph for immediate impact, but I like it, as I tend to with German entries that don’t do as well as they perhaps deserve to.
V: I’m glad they changed the background colour for this, otherwise it would have been a beige overload. The chorus here makes the something out of the song (and thus performance) that the rest of it flatly refuses to. Mary’s blank expression as she waits for the orchestra to finish says it all.

15 Turkey
B: “Bir başkayız aşka gelince / Coşkuluyuz sel gibi” – sounds good to me!
A: So much the outsiders in every sense, Turkey here couldn’t sound more alien if they tried. Which is a good thing, naturally: alien, not just weird. Parts of it are a bit ponderous, but then something comes along in the arrangement that makes me smile. The instrumental bridge completely changes the pace and is a real winner.
V: A bit of colour at last! I was wondering whether we’d be allowed any. As soon as BYÖOYS open their mouths, this sounds like it’s from a different planet; the arrangement and performance are from another decade. That said, it’s one of the best-sounding disco numbers a Eurovision orchestra has ever given us.

16 Finland
B: The idea that “Maailman kuvaa muutenkin voi laajentaa” is bizarre, but so right.
A: One of the few instances of Finland doing truly exuberant in Eurovision, and it works. The piano bits are perfect, and the chorus is actually catchy and as near to sing-along-able as Finnish ever comes. It almost makes me like the mouth organ.
V: Love it. The whole point of this song is that it’s meant to be like this, so I’m glad it is. Mind you, the only place you’re likely to find the guy in the yellow polo shirt and sparkly leatheresque trousers hanging around at the train station is at the public conveniences.

17 Switzerland
B: Like, duh, sunshine’s yellow! Lump this one in with France and Norway for crossover themes.
A: I can’t think of anything about this that I actually like.
V: How torpid this comes across after the Finnish entry. Next.

18 Italy
B: Can you think of a reason why either Alice or Battiato would have any recollection of the dingy depths of a salt mine?
A: While not the all-conquering number some Italian entries have proven to be, there’s a lot I like about this. Italy was never that different to Turkey in doing its own thing, when you think about it; they just managed to make it more accessible.
V: Battiato has an intensity about him that makes me suspect he’s a serial killer. Alice appears to be wearing her stockings on her arms. Between them they put in a professional but not particularly memorable performance in which, however good they are, they’re eclipsed by both the backing vocalists and the orchestra.

19 Portugal
B: The lyrics here are, at times, perplexing for their beauty (“As vezes sou o tempo... / ...em que ninguem quer accreditar”).
A: Poor Portugal – they serve up fado, they serve up poetry, and still they get nowhere. The arrangement here is very simple but oh so effective.
V: Utterly engrossing.


And so to the points...

1 point goes to Italy

2 points go to Denmark

3 points go to Ireland

4 points go to the United Kingdom

5 points go to France

6 points go to Spain

7 points go to Sweden

8 points go to Portugal

10 points go to the Netherlands

and finally...

12 points go to...


Finland!


The wooden spoon goes to Austria.