01 Ireland
B: I’m always drawn to lyrics about insecurity. I particularly like the line “Sunshine looks so good on you”. (Not that it has anything to do with insecurity).
A: Pedigree behind the scenes, which is fairly obvious from a solid if uneventful production I suspect will sound better live than it does in studio. It’s entirely ’80s without being all that off-putting.
V: Something of the Bonnie Langfords about this performance. Maria’s microphone looks even more bling than Charlotte’s was in 2008, without any adornments.
02 Finland
B: The way this morphs from an environmental statement to a ballad to a save-the-children anthem is nifty in a naff kind of way. Again they insist on stuffing the hook with Äs and Ys and Ös, like they’re sucking on something unpleasant and vocalising at the same time.
A: Not hard to tell this is from the same composer as Sata salamaa. It has a bassline in the verses that sounds like it should have been sampled for a chart-topping dance number in around 2003. There’s something about the way it’s put together that screams the early part of the decade to me. Surprisingly melodic.
V: Three minutes that encapsulate just how wrong hair, make-up and fashion were in the 1980s: I really wish she would “hide [her] furry head under a good friend’s arm”. The long shots in particular reveal how static this performance is, when it should be anything but. Lame clapping.
03 Cyprus
B: Nice lyrics. Can’t think of much more to say about them other than that the second verse seems to be an exercise in using as many words which are close to their English equivalents as possible.
A: Plods along pleasantly enough. The elder Ms Vissi’s vocals are less than convincing.
V: Is she nailed to the floor as well? Perhaps the director told them all to hit their mark and hold it.
04 Denmark
B: What makes the innocence of this appealing is the fact that it’s offset by lines like “Hvis bar’ du vil, så ta’r vi til mit hem’lige sted” – delivered, I hope, with brow firmly arched.
A: Essentially the same thing they gave us last year (or next year or whenever), only cheesier still. It doesn’t even come close to grabbing me until the final key change.
V: God, the direction is so boring! The least successful of Hot Eyes’ three entries, but surprisingly not because of the outfits, which would get even worse. Perhaps it was the inclusion of the small child.
05 Spain
B: “¿Para qué echar más leña arder / Si el fuego se ha apagado ya?” is very poetic as put-downs go. Paloma San Basilio is a lovely name for a glamorous lady, but a stage name surely?
A: This has a sense of upper-class emotional restraint about it which appeals to me for some reason. It comes from the same composer as Eres tú, and you can hear it occasionally. Lovely ending, which will presumably be cut live.
V: Fab Dynasty-style overacting, too! Is it just me or is her dress rather... revealing?
06 France
B: “Mélodie, mélodrame, sourire et puis larmes” sounds like a paean to Eurovision rather than the ladies.
A: I hope the orchestra makes something out of this, because no one else is. It throws melodrama in your face a few times to make up for the lack of incident elsewhere, but remains uninvolving.
V: Best eyebrow action all night, and good vocals, but the song’s so boring.
07 Turkey
B: MFÖ impress me with the realism of their lyrics: being so wrapped up in new love that you forget everyone else, before reaching that point where you want to tell them all about it.
A: They were always going to win me over with something this upbeat. It’s about a hundred times more interesting than all of France within the first two bars. Not particularly challenging perhaps, but that still doesn’t explain why it and its like always did so badly when presented by Turkey.
V: That opening is such a breath of fresh air. And they’ve got a clap machine!
08 Belgium
B: The look on Linda’s face in that screengrab on Diggiloo says it all. That’s one shitty relationship she’s trying to extract herself from.
A: Is Ms Lepomme not a native speaker of Dutch, or is there just a slight difference in the way Flemish sounds? That’s the only aspect of the song I can find something to say about.
V: I see they couldn’t be arsed importing their own conductor. She seems to be quite in the moment, which is more than I am.
09 Portugal
B: I like the use of “Lá fora a chuva cai” here as a metaphor. Another set of lyrics which I admire for the fact that they’re saying: yes, I realise this is what I’m like, and no, I’m not going to change for you.
A: Yay, it’s from the same composer as Bem bom! That bodes well. [Listens] Or not. Three minutes of pretty much nothing.
V: Still three minutes of nothing, but with a spangly dress.
10 Germany
B: Ticks all the anthem boxes, so I can see in theory why it did so well. Incidentally, I wonder why the Wind line-up was different every time they appeared at Eurovision. Why did they ditch lead singer Rainer Höglmeier? Perhaps this will be revealed when I listen to the song.
A: Isn’t that a woman singing? Can’t be Rainer, surely. Some of the touches to the composition and the way the vocals are delivered (whoever they’re delivered by) make me think the singers are taking the song way more seriously than they should be.
V: Shudder, sports coats with cinched-up sleeves. Oh, it is Rainer! Odd choice of vocals in that case, and it pretty much answers the question I posed. Hardly anyone seems to be trying very hard to this point.
11 Israel
B: Whadda ya know, it’s an anthem.
A: Eurovision’s an incestuous world in Israel, isn’t it, when you look at the people behind it. Here we get Kobi Oshrat and Hamutal Ben Zeev teaming up, and I assume it’ll be more of a Ze rak sport than an Amen or Hallelujah, despite the lyrics. [Investigates] Always a safe bet, with a title like that. More of a hangover from the last days of disco than something truly ’80s, but without the glitz or ostentation of either.
V: Finally a bit of energy! This has to be one of the campest routines Eurovision has ever seen. You can see why they thought they were in with a realistic chance, and the audience laps it up. Mr Cohen hasn’t changed much in seven years, apart from his legs, which appear to have withered to twig-like proportions. Great ending, but as is so often the case with Israeli entries, it is let down by its backing vocalists.
12 Italy
B: This did quite well for itself in the wider world, didn’t it? At least I’m familiar with it to the point of remembering how the chorus goes without, I think, having listened to or heard it any time recently. That it mentions the ‘fata morgana’ though is indicative of a set of lyrics which only appear to have something to say.
A: This, on the other hand (compared to Israel), has every fibre of its being rooted in the ’80s. And again, to my surprise, I find myself rather attracted to it regardless. The arrangement works well, and there’s definite quality on offer.
V: Full marks for consistency, coming 7th twice. The outfits are appalling. Ms Power is clearly the weak link, given she’s never allowed to open her mouth without all of the backing vocalists doing so at the same time.
13 Norway
B: The chorus might as well be in English.
A: Another example of what is presumably the Norwegian version of schlager: an obsession with the sounds of decades-old rock’n’roll. At least they’re cobbled together in an appealing way, although not so that you’d hear it and immediately think 'winner'. Then again, it’s all about context, and in this year’s contest it stands out. Great harmonies.
V: Talent night at the holiday camp makes it easy to forget that Elisabeth Andreassen is actually a brilliant singer, having made four appearances at Eurovision and finishing in the top 10 every time.
14 United Kingdom
B: “Is the ice worth breaking / ... / Where angels fear to tread?” Terrible.
A: Why am I not amazed we’ve never heard of Ms Watson again. As with many UK entries from this era, potentially decent songs are wasted on no-list singers. The chorus is one of the strongest of any this year, but Vikki’s vocals make me not want to listen.
V: Fair dos, they’re more palatable live. Are they sure the hole in the ozone layer wasn’t exclusively the result of all the hair spray used in the 1980s?
15 Switzerland
B: I love the turnaround from one song to the next between the UK’s entry and this. Is it just me or does “ich fühl’ mich ausgesprochen wohl mit dir” really not sound like it should mean “I feel extremely good with you”?
A: Bleurgh. Next.
V: A much stronger performance vocally than I expected, accounting for the decentish result they achieved. Still, that’s not saying much in one of the least inspiring contests ever.
16 Sweden
B: I like “Visst fanns det andra i mitt liv / Men mer än tidsfördriv, det kunde ingen ge mig”.
A: Lost for something to say about this, too.
V: Just by the way Kikki Danielsson’s posed in that screengrab on Diggiloo you know this is going to be a showcase of meticulous Swedish camerawork. (Yes, I typed that before I realised that there were only three cameras.) One of the most relaxed – and therefore best – performances of the night.
17 Austria
B: Very whatever anthem, this. Calling it Blumen im Asphalt would have at least made it mehr interesting.
A: Thumbs up for the vocal arrangement in [what I presume to be] the chorus. Gary Lux’s voice actually suits the song really well.
V: The question you always have to ask about Austria: what are the backing vocalists wearing?
18 Luxembourg
B: As if Austria wasn’t bad enough, we’re then confronted with Luxembourg. It’s patently untrue that “Tous les enfants sont formidables” and “merveilleux”. The lyrics alone make me want to kill myself.
A: I was going to say this must be Ralph Siegel’s nadir, but realised the competition for the title is too strong to be so strident.
V: Margo, Olivier, Diane, Ireen, Malcolm and Chris can take themselves, their beloved singing children and their precious path of life and fuck off.
19 Greece
B: The translation of the lyrics seems a bit dodgy, but I particularly like the lines “Tha me pikrenis, ki isos kapou se malono / Tha mas enonoun omos panda i stigmes / Aftes pou kanoun pio anthropino to pono”.
A: This wins the award for most solemn production of the evening.
V: Funny how someone in three quarters of a tuxedo can look so scruffy. Great vocals.
And so to the points...
1 point goes to Greece
2 points go to Sweden
3 points go to Ireland
4 points go to Finland
5 points go to Austria
6 points go to the United Kingdom
7 points go to Italy
8 points go to Norway
10 points go to Turkey
and finally...
12 points go to...
Spain!
Six wooden spoons are awarded to Luxembourg.
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